• One of my best friends just had a baby and I was honored to be at the birth. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever participated in. I have had three c-sections, so the wonder of a woman's body just functioning correctly was truly beautiful. (It helped that she pushed once and the baby came out. I was worried that the doctor wouldn't be there to catch the baby at all!) What a gift to hold her hand while she welcomed her new daughter.

  After my birth class I had a very negative view of having others attend my birth. I was warned that people would be a huge nuisance and that they would just make me angry. After attending a birth, I felt like it bonded everyone there. We were her cheerleaders, supporters and extra prayer warriors for when it got tough. I would do it again in a heartbeat if the opportunity ever arises.

  What are your thoughts or experiences? Have you had people attend and loved it? Hated it? Participated with someone else's and had your mind changed one way or another?


Sweet Vivvi and Me


• I am getting ready to teach my second class at my church on style, color and clothing fit based on the book, It's SO You! by Mary Sheehan Warren. I taught this once last year and then we all went home, went through our closets, and had a clothing exchange. I'm glad those that participated liked it enough to encourage me to do it again! I'm also glad to be on the other side of my pregnancy and hope to score some cute clothes. I'll talk more on all of those fun things when I have higher brain function.
• I am really enjoying a cookbook I saw at my mom's house called The Stocked Kitchen. (I will admit it is no longer at her house, but currently residing on my counter for easy reference). It is a system where you have one shopping list and then you can make over 300 recipes using a combination of those ingredients. The few I've tried have been very yummy and it's nice to know if I have the list, I have what's needed. It's a nice reassuring book to have when I'm less inspired for dinner.
• Speaking of books, I am currently wanting to reread several titles from the Sonlight Summer Reader Packages. I could use a hammock day (or, just an evening would be nice) to dive back into these favorite worlds. This was such a fun project to work on! If your kids love reading, I really hope you will give these a chance. Super fun!

So, that concludes my assorted thoughts...I will try for a single, more thought out topic next time.

Until then,
Jonelle

"Go home baby, just go home. It's okay. We will miss you, but just go home. We love you. It's okay, just go home. Mommy loves you."

I woke up at 1:23am. Since her birth we had had all good nights, not a single call. Two minutes later the phone rang. Dave calmly answered and then climbed out of bed, "She's doing the same thing as earlier, they need us to come up at once."

...

We had visited Gracie Lou after church with Natalia, Grandpa and Beppe. Gracie was doing well. She'd had a rough care--where they change her diaper, weigh her, rotate her, and take a "blood gas" of all of her internal systems--earlier in the morning, but had stabilized by the time we were there. After just a few hours, Dave, who had been with her late into the evening (when she had dipped to a critical level) asked to go home. We went to my folk's house and played in the back yard with Natalia.

At about 6pm we headed to dinner with my parents and Luke and Brittany. Right after our food arrived we got the call. "Come now, we don't know if she is going to make it, her oxygen level is so low and she's not responding to anything we are doing." My heart broke as I looked at Natalia. I had so badly wanted to tuck her into bed. It had been so hard to be away from her and miss our normal routines. Dad got boxes for our food and Luke quickly dumped it in for us. I started crying as I said goodbye to Natalia. "Mommy loves you, we will be back. We are not abandoning you, we will be back." As Dave and I ran for the door Natalia began to cry, "Mommy!"

While we sped to the hospital, it was just so, so tense. Call Amy, let her know and ask her to post on the forums so people can pray; call Dave's parents; call our pastor. "Would you like us to come?"..."How many times do you have your pastors come to pray at your baby's bedside?"..."Don't worry, I'm sure it will be fine."; call our old pastors, Rob and Cindy, "Please pray."

Nearly downtown the phone rang again. "It is the doctor, I just wanted to let you know she is stable. Please still come up, but don't get into an accident."

"Baby boo, you gave Mommy a heart attack. Little Gracie girl, hang in there."

Her numbers were the best they had been since she was born, but it was a false sense of security. They had given her a new drug, and the doctor made sure we knew her levels would not stay stable.

After only a short time we said good night and headed home. Natalia crawled into bed with us and was sleeping on my arm when the next call came.

...

No longer the calm, dark cocoon where she could grow, the entire room where Gracie lay was lit up, there was no cover on the incubator and only her eyes were shielded from the glare. Now she was a medical emergency.

The machines keeping her alive were humming, her tiny body thrumming with the oxygen being pushed into her. 100% oxygen at the highest level her body could handle. Her skin was stretched tight over her chest and her belly was distended. When I placed my hands on her I could feel the beating of the air through her toothpick sized ribs. Her whole body vibrated.

"Oh sweet baby. Precious girl, hang in there! We are here, we love you. Please hold on. Lord, breathe your breath of life. This is easy for you. You created the entire universe with just words, you can save her. You don't have to be here. Just speak the word and make her whole. Please God. Let this be a builder of our faith, not just a lesson in grief. I don't think I can bear this. But I guess I'm still here...so I am bearing it. Father please, please, touch her body."

Two hours later I had to pull my arms from the incubator. It was just too much. I collapsed into a chair and dozed as Dave touched her.

Three hours and fifteen minutes after we arrived, the new medication that had brought some stability had run its course. 5:15am. Would she rebound, or was this the end?

"Please, Father, please. Oh, baby, we love you. We are still here. Lord, we need the miracle now."

The day nurse suggested we rest for a short while and had set up cots for us in the NICU's family room. 8:21am, Dave dozed and I posted on Facebook: After 3 hospital calls Dave and I have been here since about 2am. We are praying for a direct answer: may Gracie be healed or may she go Home today.

I questioned the Lord. Will joy come with the morning or will we say, our God is still faithful?

Then I called my parents, our old pastor's wife, and, finally, my sister Amy.

Through tears, "Jonelle, I wonder if you should just say good-bye? Gracie Lou obviously loves you; she rebounds every time you are near. She's holding on for you. Maybe you should just release her. Let her know you will not lose faith in God, that you love her, but that you are okay with her going home."

"Baby girl, Mommy loves you. But it is okay. You can stop now. You can just go home. Go rest. Let go. It's okay. Oh sweet baby. We will miss you, but just go home. Thank you for fighting as hard as you did. I am sorry your sister never met you; she wanted to. It's okay. We will be okay. Just go home. Go rest. We wanted to take you home, but it's okay. Let go. Just rest. Dear Lord, please take her. Please don't make us play 'god' and choose when her life should end. Please Lord, take her home."

Dave walked in, "I think it might be time to hold her."

"Yes, it's time"

9:30am. The first time I held my baby. 9 days old. At barely over a pound she was so light I don't know that I really felt her other than the weight of my own hands holding her to my chest. The thrumming continued, pulsing from her body into mine.

Dave called my dad, "Please come. You have documented everything, please be here."

At first it was just pure joy, holding the little life. My little girl. Gracie Lou.

"Oh sweet girl. We love you. But it's okay, go home. Just go home."

Dad arrived. He started taking pictures. It was just the four of us: Dave, Dad, Gracie Lou and me. It was the cocoon again. The curtain drawn, the lights low. Peace.

I looked at Dave seated beside me. "What are you thinking?"

"I think it is time to turn off the respirator."

"Yes, it's time."

The nurses removed the final machine that was holding Gracie Lou here. Silence. No more pulsing, no more beeps, no more monitors, no more emergency. Peace.

Dave held her for a few moments, she cuddled into his neck.

He passed her back to me.

"Little one, the Lord has already blessed you. He will keep you. Soon you will see His shining face, and you will be at peace. Oh sweet girl. We love you. We love you. But it's okay, just go home. Just rest."

11:45am the doctor came in to listen for a heart beat. With no machines there was no fuss, no numbers counting down, no straight line to say, "Now, now is the moment your child is gone." After several beats of my own heart she quietly said, "I don't hear anything."

A shell. I was holding the broken shell of my daughter who was already dancing before the Lord. Whole. Complete. Not in pain. No longer fighting for air. Her life here with us was over.

As my sister said later, "How beautiful, the last thing she heard before the choirs of angels singing before the Lord was your heart beating." Yes, it was beautiful. Peaceful. Not rushed and frantic, but soft, tender and quiet.

Thank you God. We are grateful to have had her.

So much of Gracie's life is just beautiful and wonderful. To end with beauty, and ultimately the wonder of our hope through Christ, I thought I would share some "hugs" from God I had yesterday:

Hug: Eliana started giggling the day before Gracie's birthday. Baby laughter, there's not much better.
Hug: right after posting to FB about Gracie dancing with the Lord on her birthday I got a picture of a girl with long dark hair in a swirly dress kicking up her heels.
Hug: Natalia asked me to sing her favorite song, "my God's not dead, he's surely alive..." (isn't that the truth?)
Hug: a beautiful birthday breakfast made by Dave's mom with French toast (my favorite)! My parents joined us, lovely.
Hug: sweet calls (and texts) from friends loving on me.
Hug: going to the butterfly pavilion to get some butterfly kisses.
Hug: the butterfly pavilion itself was lovely, a girls day with my mom, mother-in-law, Natalia and Eliana.
Hug: sunshine and warmth enough to go on a walk.
Hug: silence when I needed it, talking when I was ready.

Us at the Butterfly Pavilion \ Mother-in-law with smiles

Thank you God.
Jonelle

I want to honor people who come to my house by having it look lovely, the reality is, it's not always picked up.

(Hmmmm, nice, but sort of sad that it doesn't look, "lived in")

I want people to take me seriously and respect my thoughts, but I am also working on dealing with the fact that I don't always look put together or that my skin isn't always clear. For example, while watching the "What's New in 2012" videos, a blemish on my cheek jumps out at me, it's just laughing at me that I had a breakout the day I was going in for filming...keeps me humble I guess.*

Also on the topic of image, after this, my third pregnancy, the weight just isn't coming off, and searching for something to wear every day is a challenge. I can't wait for garage sale season to arrive so I can expand my wardrobe with clothes that fit me now.

I guess I could lock the door, hide my face, and never leave the house so no one sees my ill fitting clothes. Instead, I am working on welcoming people into my home, helping them feel at peace so they don't notice the items they have to step over. I'm working on smiling and asking about what others are going through so they see my heart instead of any mark on my face. And, I try to make a point to look at my children so people see the joy I wear in this season, instead of the clothes I have on.

So, if you see my blemish, or imagine tripping over my stuff, or wonder what I've got on... realize, I'm working on letting it all go.

(The normal state of Natalia's room)

Until next time,
Jonelle

*I have never felt comfortable in make-up so I don't wear it. I'm not opposed to it on others, I just personally feel like I'm wearing a mask and don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. So, I deal with those blemishes and try to pretend that anyone looking at me is more interested in what I'm saying than what my face looks like.

We worked on our jewelry over several nights. And at least for me, it was very telling. I am definitely a people-pleaser, so the pressure of knowing others would look at what I was creating caused me to quake.

My designs changed significantly as the days went on. I became more aware of what I actually wanted in a necklace and what I would really wear. The final evening, Amy asked me to create matching designs for the three of us girls using beads she especially liked. Since Brittany is in a different color palette than Amy and me, I knew I’d need to add something different to hers. I decided that to truly create something we would all love I would need to use the same elements in three unique ways. I was nervous but pressed on anyway.

Necklaces I designed for the three of us: Amy, Brittany, and Me

Funny that something as simple as designing necklaces for family would cause me to stress out. I sometimes struggle with the fact that I desire to make things more beautiful. It is part of who God made me to want to be surrounded by beauty. C’mon God! Why not a wonderful ability to speak? Why not clear insight or a really good mind for languages or numbers so I could really be effective for your kingdom?

This past week, I mentioned to my husband Dave that it grieves my heart to know there are children who never hear that they are important. Who never heard that God loved them so much He sent His Son to die for their sins. Who may never know they can do what He has called them to do.

And I was struck: I don’t really believe that for me. When I look at myself I see all the shortcomings ... the fear of speaking, the lack of a mind for languages. I tend to view my abilities as somehow less than important. I scoff at the fact that a delight in beauty could have something to do with God. That an ability to see patterns and colors would have anything to do with serving Him.

Our church is doing a series on breakthrough. Realizing how little value I place on myself and who God has made me has brought that to front of mind. I want to break through my own self-talk and fears and be who God has designed me to be. Regardless of what others think or what I feel would be more “effective.” If I want to tell others they have value, I have to also recognize my own value. Even with something as simple as designing a necklace.

Until next time!
-Jonelle

I was talking with a friend over dinner several weeks back when she said, "I really want to stay home. But it just isn't possible. We really have to have two incomes to make it work."

For most of my friends, this one included, I would say I respectfully disagree.

Knowing that Dave and I can make it (and that so many homeschoolers do, too), I know that it is usually possible—not always easy, but possible—to have one parent stay at home if that is their heart's desire.

I believe many of my friends can do whatever they want, that it really comes down to them making some difficult choices. I challenged one: How much do you really want to stay at home? Enough to not eat out? Enough to give up your second car and, therefore, your freedom? Enough to buy your clothes from a garage sale or a consignment store? Enough to wait, to train yourself to wait, on a household good until it comes up on Craigslist or you can get it as a gift?

I'm sad to say, I don't think she's ready yet to make such tough choices.

You can help other moms choose wisely

Based on my experience staying at home with my daughter, I hope my friend decides to stay at home. I grieve over my friends' lost time with their kids because they don't know how to swing it so they can stay home. I grieve that they never considered that they might even want to.

I want to encourage you to challenge others. Let's talk with new moms, and families on the brink of getting started. Encourage them to plan now. To not miss out on their children's lives. You know how good it (usually!) is. Will you join me in helping others think this through? Really, if we have a choice, can we afford to miss these years?

Blessings,
Jonelle

She readily agreed. And what you see below is the result.
Blessings!
Sarita
--

I imagine you are gearing up for the school year. May I encourage you to remember the blessing of being able to stay home with your children and keep them with you all year round?

My daughter Natalia turned one just a couple of weeks ago.

When I was pregnant with Natalia, my older sister told me that the one thing she wished she'd done more with her firstborn was to hold him as much as she could. I took that to heart and have hardly put Natalia down. (Now that she has begun to crawl and is pushing to walk, I am no longer holding her every moment of the day. But still ... )

That policy of holding her as much as she wants has yielded many positive benefits. It has also created some issues that aren't always pleasant to deal with!

Since I am with Natalia almost constantly, on the relatively rare occasions I go someplace during the day, she comes with me. The fact is, at this point, Natalia hates to be alone. She follows me from room to room, and always wants to participate in whatever it is I'm doing.

For a while, I was the only one who could hold her. If I didn't hold her, she would burst into tears. I felt (feel) trapped!

I have since found a few strategies to help ease some of the claustrophobia, but the reason I'm writing is to note that I have to get up each day, just like you, and believe, pray and hope that my relationship with my daughter will be stronger than it was when we went to bed. I am just getting started on this journey and, already, some days it all just feels like too much. But, then I remember something I have overheard my mom say to different people: "It all just gets better. When they get older you get to see all of your hard work pay off because they succeed."

I don't know if you're thrilled with the start of school, or wondering if you can enroll your child tomorrow in the local school because that just might be best. What I do know is, that children are a blessing from God, and we have an awesome responsibility, and gift, to invest in them.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, here, but so many times I forget the gift side of things. I only see the parts I'm missing, such as the clean house (I've started joking that my house will be clean in 18 years when all my children are grown), the freedom to just go wherever I want (and when I had that freedom, I really didn't go anywhere! It's just knowing I don't even have that option now), and the time to talk with other adults: I miss that part of the job I used to have out in "the real world." ...

But what I need to focus on is the fact that my child is almost walking. She smiles and laughs at me. She can play catch if I'll just sit on the floor. She loves playing the piano at Grandma Beppe's (Sarita's house), and any time I sing or do rhythms, she claps along. And the great thing is I get to see that! I don't have to hear about it from the daycare worker. I have a million photos to sort through, but the important part is that I've taken them. I have the option to sort through them when Natalia's in college, because I've taken the time now to shoot them.

Ahhh, just writing this encourages me, brings tears to my eyes, and releases a sigh of joy.

I started this letter by encouraging you to remember the blessing of being able to stay home with your children and keep them with you all year round, and I think that's where I'll stop. Taking even just a few minutes myself to write up some of the things I am enjoying at this point in my life was helpful for me. Perhaps you'd like to do the same as well--here on Sonlight's blog, on your own blog, the Sonlighters Club forums, or just in a journal or diary.

I know I want to choose to rejoice today. Regardless of yesterday, the Lord made today, He made my child, and I can rejoice in that.

Blessings!
Jonelle

PS: I wrote the beginning of this "word" last week. At that point everything in my life was going swimmingly: good meals, birthdays, happy baby, happy hubby, happy me. Then, disaster hit. For whatever reason, everything in my life just felt (feels) like it's falling apart. I sort of wanted to start over, write something else that I could still be positive on, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I need to keep reminding myself that it is a blessing to be with my child. So, this "word" is for me as much as it is for you.