 well, maybe not exactly *love* ... and if I'm totally honest, "tolerates" is probably a better word. So how come my kids aren't like those pictured on the magazine/catalog covers, or written about in the many homeschool blogs out there? The ones who are self-motivated and write extra papers and do amazing science projects, just because they like to.
Keeping in mind that homeschool magazines aren't likely to feature photos of kids having a temper tantrum over spelling or crying crocodile tears over math (who would want to homeschool after seeing that?) ... I suspect that there are more kids like mine out there than I ever guessed when I was mopping up those tears and dealing with the tantrums.
I learned some valuable lessons from working through such times with my kids. They boiled down to the following . . .
- My kids are no different than I am. There are days when I would love to throw a temper tantrum on top of the mounds of dirty laundry, or cry big ole tears in the Hamburger Helper I'm cooking for the gazillioneth time. When I helped my kids to understand that we are very much alike in this area, it was freeing for all of us. I realized that my kids come by it naturally, and my kids were happy to learn that perhaps mom is human after all. It also helped generate a measure of grace and mercy I might not have had otherwise.
- Concrete reinforcement works for all of us. "What a good job you've done!" is great to hear, but my husband is even more motivated by his paycheck. While I'm not suggesting that we *pay* our kids to do school, I think that every child appreciates some "pay-off" for work well done. I looked for some creative pay-backs for my kids when they were younger. An unexpected trip to the library after a math lesson with no tears ... an extra hour of outdoor play when school was completed with a good attitude ... an evening out with mom at the end of a good week or month. I also kept some fun educational videos around for short-term reward for work well done. Our Mathtacular and Discover & Do series are excellent video resources to have on hand.
- All choices have consequences. This concept, though pretty simple, was life-changing for us. Each time I would do battle over poor attitudes or unfinished assignments, I took it as a personal affront. Why did my kids hate me so much that they couldn't follow my simplest instruction? I needed to stop and realize that every action my kids took, or didn't, was a conscious choice on their part. And it very likely wasn't anything like "I really want to annoy mom today, so I think I'll conveniently forget to do my writing assignment." Just like the police officer has no personal beef with me when writing my speeding ticket (my choice to drive above the posted speed limit), so my kids have no personal beef with me when they choose to ignore that book report. After setting some very clear expectations and associated consequences with my kids, it became so much easier to respond to a poor choice with a quiet voice and calm spirit. "Son, is that book report finished that was due today? No? You know the consequence for work not finished on time." No arguing, no debating ... very clear expectations made it just a bit easier for all of us to love learning! If my child chose to argue with me, I simply asked the offender to verbally rehearse the choice made, and I reminded them of the associated consequence in a calm voice. I had to *choose* not to lose my temper. And I had to be just as consistent with positive consequences ... it was all about balance.
- Look for the excitement in learning. I remember very clearly teaching a Biology module about human anatomy, and the passion and excitement that was conveyed by my voice and my facial expressions. I *love* life sciences, and my kids responded by learning to love it as well. On the other hand, I have nothing but dread and disgust for Algebra and Geometry. Guess what? Only one of my kids has expressed any love for math ... and that was likely due to my husband's passion! You obviously can't carry that level of passion every day, for every subject ... but learn to find ways to help your kids get excited about learning. You can help them to see the wonder and awe in what they're reading and studying by finding it yourself first.
As you've started your second semester, are you struggling with whining and crocodile tears? Perhaps these brief thoughts will be helpful. Head over to our Homeschool Support Forum ... there's a conversation taking place there on this very topic. Imagine ... other people whose kids don't love school! Maybe there are some "out of the box" resources that would help provide some motivation ... art supplies, fun "extra" reading ... the sky's the limit.
Still on the journey ...
~Judy
Sonlight Customer Champion
Great post, and one I needed to hear. Thank you!
Wow! This is exactly how I feel when they don't finish their work-- like it's about me! We have to learn to not be responsible for our children's actions (or inactions) so they can learn from their own choices. Natural consequences and a calm spirit work wonders. Now about those math tears, do they eventually go away???
@Tina ... for some kids the math tears "mature" into a silent dislike ... for others they turn into acceptance ... while others actually come to understand and like Math.
I'm glad these thoughts were an encouragement. I wish you well on your journey!
What an encouraging post! Recently, I was chatting with a freind, who loves Sonlight as much as we do, about how I had expected my kids to really love school, and how I was very disappointed in the fact that they didn't. I still get groaning and moaning about "doing" school, but I recognize that by the end of the school day, the kids feel really great about finishing something. Being productive makes them feel good! I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone!!! Thanks for sharing Judy!
You're definitely not alone Jenny!! That feeling of accomplishment is one of the greatest motivators there is. I'm glad your kids are recognizing that their hard work pays off.
I had to *choose* to let my boys be boys, with my husbands help. When they are doing their own experipments that I think are dangerous, they are learning. I hold my breath and calmly explain the danger and possibly they could choose another location to light the cologne covered cloth on fire and then juggle with it.
Focus can be a big problem at my house. One child needs quite and does not want to be bothered, the other is all about getting up every five minutes to go play the guitar or light something on fire. My challenge is to keep them apart. I have learned to let the fidgeter, fidget. He knows he has plans for the day. He knows how long it will take him to complete assignments. The uh oh, comes when the house is quiet and both have gone missing. They are indeed hatching a plan. They are together, getting along, exchanging ideas and I smile.
If I ask my DS (6 1/2- Core B) if he likes being homeschooled he says "No."
Do you like doing school in your pajamas? "Yes."
Do you like doing school at the park? "Yes."
Do you like playing with the homeschool group? "Yes."
Do you like your science books? "Yes." He likes science so much that we ordered AIG's first grade science curriculum so he could have the books just to read-Sonlight's do require parental oversight, not a bad thing, but he LOVES to read for himself so we wanted something we could just hand him. We do use Sonlight for school and the AIG is more for fun.
Do you like your history books? "Yes."
Do you like your readers? "Sort of, they are too easy." He is using readers 2. In order to slow him down he's read as many sequels/ books by the same author that we could get our hands on, still we're about 16 weeks into school and he has done about 31 weeks worth of readers.
Do you like the read- aloud books? " Yes." I think he does, I haven't finished a single one with him yet- he has taken off with them and finished them after a chapter or two. Once again he has read almost all of the sequels too. The exception is "Understood Betsey'" which he just didn't get into. We substituted books from the "Little House" series.
Do you like math? "NO!" Here we have it. Math. He loved math in kindergarten. Mom chose the wrong curriculum. This has been aggravated by the fact that he completed about 1/2 of a years worth of first grade math at PS last year, so in order to figure out what he knew and didn't know we completed well over 18 weeks of curriculum trying to find out where he left off and what he still needed to know- no sending it back! ( I love Sonlight's love to learn guarantee!) Well, we will be trying something different for Second grade.
It is amazing that one subject can sour the whole day.
I guess you just have to ask the right questions Rikki! Sounds like you have a voracious reader there. What a wonderful passion for a young person to have. :)